World Class Poetry Blog

Critique Group: A Poem In The Process Of Being Made
19 February 2008, the poet @ 12:37 am

I’m a little late tonight, but I’ve got to get this in.

Attended a crtique group I haven’t made in a while. All - well, most - of my favorites were there: Anna, the group leader, a seasoned poet I admire; Michael Hoover, who is the Hanover, Pa. poet laureate and one of the best poets in this part of the world (he has a precision instrument built in, I believe, which allows him to see into portals between worlds); Rich Hemmings, who is the best promoter of poetry I have ever met in my life; Debberae, his significant other, a damn fine poet in her own right; and Janet Lohrs, another seasoned poet, who brought a poem, a Villanelle, that needed no correction. I was in great company and they are the perfect group for critiquing me because they are all my superiors in some way.

I took a poem that is not very old but which I plan to include in my Iraq War collection - a group of poems that were mostly written while in Iraq in 2005. This one was written since I’ve been back, but it fits the theme I’ve been working on.

I’m always amazed at the things that people pull out of a poem during critique. I work on a poem until I think I have it polished; at least, it is as polished as I can get it on my own.

I usually have two approaches to critique:

1. The first approach is to take a poem that is far from finished and which has me stuck. I know it needs a lot of work when I take it and I’m not surprised when it is picked apart.
2. The second approach is the one I prefer, and that is simply to work on a poem until it is as near to finish as it can be, then take it to critique group to see how it can be improved upon.

I always think, on that last approach, that I’ve got a poem that is so close they can’t possibly find anything wrong with it. I’m always wrong. They pick it apart and tear it down and I always come away with a better poem. Critique group is fun that way. It’s almost like my creation is a community project, only the community never gets credit for it. In this case, I give them credit.

I’m going to share with you the pre-critique version of my poem now. Tomorrow, I’ll print the post-critique version and I’d like to get your feedback on which one you like better. Here’s the pre-critique version of the poem:

The Shining Armor Dims

I’ve seen chivalry
fight to the last breath,
gasping on Chivas to bury
ripost upon ripost, to cry
like widows restrained
by their own sad impulse.

I’ve witnessed the dawn
of death, dearth and drawn
in upon itself, the poor still swill
of liquor in the mouth as it kills
the miming will. And the prenatal
murders, the blast of powder and keg
while young boys scream out to the loves
who will never know them. The men
whose bondage descends
from the stairwell of civilization
to feast upon the scraps of their own
brown brothers; electric chairs,
ropes burned crisp with fresh
flesh, inner cities full
of needles
and fields of fire.

I’ve dabbled deep,
looking for the tarnish
of blade or blood steeped
in stool, thinking I could save
one man or child from the loss
of another trembling strain.
But in vain.

I’ve wrapped myself tight
in fear and doubt,
wishing I could climb out,
spread my weakening wings
like a blazing banner in harrowing heat.
(Aaaah!) Admit, effete.

Then, in the cusp of my grave need,
I know this is the culture of death. No
knight stands without sacrifice.

Tomorrow I’ll share the revised version after going over my critique notes and consolidating them then rewriting. I’m looking forward to the new version. I’m sure it will be an improvement.

Submit a comment

Name

E-mail (not published)

Website URL

Enable CommentLuv which will try and parse your last blog post, please be patient while it finds it for you

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail